Conservative New York Times columnist Ross Douthat contorts words and settles for ignorant proto-definitions, preferring to fall back upon easy “truths” (”America is inclusive;” “America is a Christian nation”) rather than tackle a world that is both complex and, moreover, rigorously ambiguous (America can be both inclusive and exclusive; it is especially inclusive if you are already in the pecuniary–white–male–&c. majority; America is partly Christian, and Christians have a disproportionately loud public voice, compared to, say, American Hindus, Muslims, or Sikhs).

This week Douthat takes the cake today, however, by weighing in on the debate over the new mosque that will be built near Ground Zero. Douthat sticks his foot so far down his mouth, his Pumas will permanently reek of juice d’digestif.

In his latest masterpiece, Douthat defines America dichotomously: Ours, he says, is a nation with two major components, often (apparently) at odds:

1. The Constitution, which he interprets more or less sanely as our best hope of protection against men such as himself
2. “American culture,” which he defines as “Christian”—in fact, Protestant—and English-speaking

So far, so wrong. But nothing new here.

Where Douthat goes off the deepest end is in his judgment that, in some cases, so-called “American culture” should triumph over the Constitution.

He says, for example, that the “second America” (”American culture,” in his jargon—why he numerically delineates his “Americas” is beyond me) should “press for something more from Muslim Americans than simple protestations of good faith…”

Good faith that… what?

That their mosque is not, gasp!, secretly a C.O.B.R.A. headquarters, brimming with red-lasering Islamo-Fascist bad dudes?

My mind is blown, every time I read a request like this one. “Minority: Defend my unfounded attack on your place of worship! Defend yourself from my accusation that you are malingering against me!” It’s not just unfair, it’s sadly hilarious.

How can Muslim Americans hope to appease the Douthats of their nation? They frankly can’t. They cannot participate in fully one half of America, by Douthat’s definition, and why should they want to? If anything, it is this exclusionary rhetoric that drives “moderate Muslims” to identify more with repressed Muslim populations outside the United States than with “real Americans” like Douthat.

After requesting that Muslim Americans explain and comport themselves better, going forward, Douthat hits absolute logical rock-bottom. And he must have been proud to do so. I can just picture Douthat fist-pumping victoriously after putting the polishes on his conclusion—namely that, “while the ideals of the first America protect the e pluribus, it’s the demands the second America makes of new arrivals that help create the unum.”

On first-read, this is just so much fluff. The majority must protect minorities, but those minorities must not piss of the majority. French-style democracy. Okay, I get it. I don’t like it; it’s un-friggin-American—but I get it.

But read this conclusive sentence again, this time plugging in Douthat’s own terms:

“While the ideals of [the Constitution] protect the e pluribus, it’s the demands [that Christian, Protestant, anglophone American culture] makes of new arrivals that help create the unum.”

What—really, dog? Really?

So, the Native Americans just fucked up, huh? Their bad? And the African peoples who were brought to America against their will? They should have just… gone with the flow? They should have gone to church, learned to enjoy Ethan Frome like the rest of us good Calvinists? You’re kidding me, right?

This is acceptable to you, conservatives? And, liberals, why is this dude writing in the Times?

America is not a “Christian nation,” and Christians cannot demand that Muslims wear a special star or pay a special non-Christian tax—or change their building plans because the “second America” have somehow reserved all of downtown Manhattan as a memorial.

President Obama and Mayor Bloomberg were right to defend the rights of Muslim Americans in New York City. Douthat should offer a redaction of his thinly veiled bigotry.

Calvin said, “There is not one little blade of grass, there is no color in this world that is not intended to make men rejoice.” He would probably not have approved of the new mosque, but still. Good looks on that blade of grass thing.